thoughts [jumpled] [24 Jul 2005|03:21am] mixed into this mass of confusion that nothing realates to. [why you ask?] my reason's don't agree with a visible explanation. ................[fuck you] generally speaking that is. [not realating to an individual] ................[i love you] no question. no second guessing.... on a different level of compassion. ................i lie. both targeted towards an idea.... an idea targeted towards (an) individual(s). i don't care enough to bother i don't care enough* i don't care* but i do. that's why i live. why i breathe. [why i bother.] say something

summer fun. [23 Jul 2005|04:25pm] already said 6 times| say something

i can't begin to explain... [12 Jul 2005|06:24pm] julia raptis sent me a myspace message [most unexpected] she talked to me... she talked to me sincerely and [most unexpected] ---she understood more than i thought--- SHE IS THE ONE WHO SENT THAT LONG COMMENT ON MY LIVEJOURNAL A LONG TIME AGO THAT I DIDN"T KNOW WHO IT WAS! [i take back anything i have said about her] for that matter i take back what I have said about anyone. i am not one for insulting, i am not in the position to put others down. don't put them down...........................................don't put me down. already said 2 times| say something

[09 Jul 2005|03:04pm] someone told me that he loved me. those words------exact----in that order. -i -love -you.   pause. new day. -i - am -in -love -with -you. [my physical response... no answer---no reply---just a deep breathe and a cliche statement on the lines of "i have to go cause i have to help my grandmother"] [my mental response... undecided.] [my reaction... questionable.]   pause. new day. "why don't you respond when i tell you that i am in love with you?"----"why is it so hard for you to say?"----"what do i do?"---- [I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!] repitition. [i told him] i have a boyfriend. his name is tyler. he is wonderful. and has never done me wrong. and i... have done nothing wrong... [why does this happen] i hurt. not myself-----not lately. [a tear for me is a tear wasted] self infliction doesn't fancy me anymore. to love is to hate and i hate to love. i fear commitment, and i am trapped inside a committment that I fear will dry up faster than i expected. I fear that he needs to move on, and live his life happily and do what he wants without questioning my opinion. my opinion is shot to hell though, and my judgement is far from trustable.. so maybe this is not usefull. [or maybe me saying it isn't useull really isnt usefull] i could go on bitching and moaning for hours... or maybe not. [i'll settle for a minute of your time] 1 minute----- past ---- my time is up. already said 2 times| say something

progress... [02 Jul 2005|11:23am] the marks on my neck has faded. the cuts on my arms have healed. the bruises on my neck, arms, and legs have dissapeared. i am more or less decent. say something

[01 Jul 2005|07:50pm] Breaking my back just to know your name Seventeen tracks and I've had it with this game I'm breaking my back just to know your name But heaven ain't close in a place like this Anything goes but don't blink you might miss Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this I said heaven ain't close in a place like this Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight Well somebody told me You had a boyfriend Who looks like a girlfriend That I had in February of last year It's not confidential I've got potential Ready? Let's roll onto something new Taking its toll and I'm leaving without you Ready? Let's roll onto something new But heaven ain't close in a place like this Anything goes but don't blink you might miss Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this I said heaven ain't close in a place like this Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight Never thought I'd let a rumour ruin my moonlight Well somebody told me You had a boyfriend Who looks like a girlfriend That I had in February of last year It's not confidential I've got potential A rushin', a rushin' around Pace yourself from me I said maybe baby please But I just don't know now Somebody told me You had a boyfriend Who looks like a girlfriend That I had in February of last year It's not confidential I've got potential A rushin', a rushin' around say something

what i feel right now... this moment... [01 Jul 2005|07:36pm] take a full pill bottle and sit it in front of my face... or better yet since i am sober I can honostly say that I can resist ever single pill. so you might have to shove the pills down my throat. after you are finished, and all of them seemed to have traveled down to my stomach, I want you to shake me intensly until i turn green and then... you can knock me out. say something

[24 Jun 2005|09:59pm] today is my birthday. already said 3 times| say something

recreational. [18 Jun 2005|06:34pm] where to go now. the next step seems so far i fear i might trip in midst step. i miss tyler so much... more than he thinks. and i regret so much, but living in regret is not the solution. my back hurts, and color in my face is coming back. my teenage experiance has been littered with unnessesary events. already said 8 times| say something

[11 Jun 2005|06:34pm] correction... the phone number is 409 886 4752. say something

[11 Jun 2005|01:59pm] action... reaction [11 Jun 2005|01:32pm] So I left home. I ran away, and I am far far away from my parents grasp. Positive or negative effect? undecided. I am getting help, and my addictions are becoming just a bad memory. Lindsay calls me daily and checks up on my progress and steers my mind far from temptations. I'm still sick, but healing has begun. grandparents phone number 4098838710. I miss tyler, I miss him dearly... more than I thought I would. I called him, and we spoke briefly. our words were short/uncompassionate/akward. I hated it, but his voice is what has kept me going [along with lindsays] through hte past 2 days. Apologies: 1. I'm sorry erica. 2. I'm sorry erin. 3. I'm sorry ana. 4. I'm sorry ryah. 5. I'm sorry katie. If you want to keep what friendship with me that hasn't quite demolished yet, you can email me (yourubysoho@yahoo.com) or you can call me, and let your voice be the one that get's me through that certain day. You are missed... you are loved. I want to begin a new life, a new beginning, and if you want to be included in this new turn around, don't hesitate... Whree I am right now, I have temptations, and honoslty about 5 minutes ago I thought about how nice it would be to just light up, or snort, or whatever... pray for me. pray for me. already said 12 times| say something

bye. [08 Jun 2005|12:44pm] i'm running away. I am in the process of packing up. I tried calling ** but ** didn't answer the phone. where to go now, where to go now? suggestions? my parents told me to leave. i worte them a letter explaining why and they can't call the polica because i am beat up from my stepmom [cuts on neck, bruiseson arms and legs, eye is slightly swolen]... so i can just say ABUSE. don't you dare tell my parents shit if they call you. already said 12 times| say something

[05 Jun 2005|12:46pm] i'm caught... already said 8 times| say something

who are you? [05 Jun 2005|12:17pm] you are so fucking pretty kristen. you deserve to have a wonderful life. forget your mom. she cant touch you. yes shes your mom, its hard, i know, you want to hurt her, show her what she has made you become, demolish her conscience, stab her for all the pain she caused you. yes that sounds nice but its not going to get you anywhere. you should improve yourself to utter perfection, then look down on her, show her your not like her, you want to achieve something in life, it will give you a rush. i did meth for 5 months. i loved it. the i realized i was losing everything, eveyone. was it worth it? no.you just have to realize that while your feeling real nice and shit, your hurting everyone around you, those who actually care. your better than that though. you need to find some way other than drugs to feel capable of living and being happy. or hell depression medicince helps too. your friends arent doing you any favors by allowing you to keep going on about your druggy ways. thats not alrite. you are beautiful kristen. you could do whatever you want in life. you will get past this stage. you will look back and appreciate that you learned something from stopping. right now all you need to worry about is being happy, naturally happy, and trying to clean up. you'll be so proud afterwards. that feeling actually feels better than the drugs. trust me. i know you can do it. right now all you need are a few close friends to help you get through everything. fuck guys, there a distraction you dont need. your a smart girl, you can do this. say something

her action... my reaction [04 Jun 2005|12:17pm] she's always been right about anything about everything. "the truth always hurts" [but the truth is real ] and my perception of truth these days is massively impaired, massively fucked. it's not their fault, it wasn't their decisions but it was their influence. and it was poor judgement and my weakness to say no that put me in this position.putmein this... dillema. she's right. I can't blame my every fault on my mother. it's not her. [i'm not her] i'm not her. [it's not her] "let her crash and burn she'll learn, the attention just encourages her..." something inside me likes the dissapointment, likes being alone, enjoys hurting my visual image, my mental image. i have dark circles under my eyes, I look tired. but instead i feel as if I could sit here staring at my celing for days... cutting, inflicting pain upon myself to drain out what thoughts haven't already been forgotten. what thoughts and repressed memories? I'll imagine a perfection that could and never will exist in my life. I don't have that comfort, a comfort for that matter. yet I will sit there contimplating what wrong decision I will make tommorrow. how can I alter my perfection to make it completely irresistable? I can't. and how good I will feel if I do it, and how bad I will feel if I stop, so I keep... keep... keep.... going. I blaim my mistakes on my mother because that is the only thing that makes me feel as if it's not my fault... but she's right. [it's bullshit] I avoid going to visit my grandparents so I won't have a nervous feeling in my gut fearing that I might see her. My parents just left to go to my grandparents out of town, and I make excuses so I don't have to go. "i wish i could just knock the shit out of you and make you normal again..." erica, when you have the time, I wish you would come over to my house and rid of everything... all my meth paraphernalia [light bulbs] [pens] - gone. all my reminders - gone. perscription drugs hidden in drawers and under mattresses and in shoes and... - gone. distractions [people] - gone. i need a constant attention, constant reminders, constant telephone calls telling me to stop, I need you as a friend, I want to know what it feels like to have fun and have drugs not cross my mind every 5 minutes or less. I feel guilty asking you to take time out of your life to come tend to a fuck up who i perfectly capable of doing this on her own. already said 3 times| say something

a letter from erica... [04 Jun 2005|12:12pm] just bullshit. you dont have to read. Body: chris bought me a breakfast club poster. i thought of you because i first saw it with you. remember the music played FOR FUCKING EVER haha because we wouldnt watch it. we were doing something else but i dont remember. i hate this kristin. its so hard trying to not be friends with you. because hoestly. i wish i could just knock the shit out of you and make you normal again. god i fuckign hate it ts like seeing a ghost in your place. i wish it wasnt like this. but it is. and its hard to say. but i feel the only way we will and can ever be friends again is when you quit the drugs. and i dont mean you telling me ohh im sober and i havent done anything thing BECAUSE ITS FUCKING BULLSHIT youve lied to me over and over agian about you quiting and i hear from other people that you did it the day before. but watever i cant controll your life. and dont blame this on your mother. because you arent her. and you have NOTHING to do with her. you only use her as an exucse to make everything you do seem ok. but in reality its not. because shes not you kristin. she didnt raise you. she doesnt live with you. so untill the day that shes back in your life. and i mean day to day life. you cant try and blame this on her, because it has nothing to do with her. it has everything to do with and your shity will power against fucking peer pressure. wow im like fucking repeating myself. all i know is that i hope that one of these days you find someone who can make you stop even though you shouldnt have to rely on someone to make you stop. but apparently you dont know how to stop on your own. i may sound like a bitch and i may sound cruel and you can hate me for it. but shit. it seems like im the only fucking person telling you to stop this shit. everyone else eggs you on and tells you its ok. when it not. but your going to listen to them anyways because its what you want. so go ahead. listen to erin and listen to emily and whoever else you hang out with and whoever else you are friends with. but i no longer have kristin as a friend. i have some chick whos trying to fit in. and whos trying to ruin their life. but just inderstand that im doing what any "real" friend would do. because you know that if i were you and you were me. that you would be trying your fucking hardest so that i would get over it and not kill myself. did you know im moving? past jessicas house. so i might no go to lamar next year. and i know that you already said that you probably wouldnt be going either. but wow. its so sad to see that this is how everything ends. with me bitching. and you not listening. "dont you..forget about me.. no no no no, dont you forget about me" already said 6 times| say something

he's enticing. [03 Jun 2005|06:32pm] he is in perfect condidtion... no rugged rough edges that I have to learn to settle with to look past. nothing. the problem: me. i'm not in perfect condition no where close i have faults some he hasn't uncovered and some i wish i could have. lame. say something

fuck social status. [02 Jun 2005|11:03am] why must I have to listen to authority to the vaders to my parents... I wake up at 10:59. try to crawl over erin without disturbing her. slowly find my way to the office. i look at my phone... "OH MY GOD MY PHONE WAS OFF... FUCK! TYLER IS GOING TO BE SO PISSED! I PROMISED HIM I PROMISED HIM!" i slump into my dad's oversized chair. I throw my phone across the room into the kitchen. I feel regret... yet I do nothing. My phone... scattered amongst the kitchen floor. unidentifiable pieces covering the black and white tile. anger. I don't call tyler. Does my phone even work now? He fell back asleep. or so he said at 10:25 this morning. I'm in trouble. The foreign woman is only staying a short time. so I call my stepmother and... 2 minute conversation. "Can I...." "No." "But I..." "No." "How will I..." "No." "But that's so..." "No. I am working and you have to pack remember. And I already have a full day planned with you. Your priority should be packing, cleaning, and helping me with the kids. No. When you get back, you can go... But I just don''t have the time to go driving you and your friends around all day. Plus you wouldn't have a way to come home I can't pack up the kids and just stop what I'm doing for this.." click. He is going to hate me. He's not going to want to date someone who can't see him, who can't give him constant attention, who never has a way to get places because her parents suck dick. He's not going to want to stay with me. EMO. I'm so EMO right now, and it disgusts me. I'm crying my eyes out. already said 3 times| say something

[01 Jun 2005|11:54am] you can tell from the scars on my arms and cracks in my hips and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that i'm not the carefullest of girls you can tell from the glass on the floor and the strings that're breaking and i keep on breaking more and it looks like i am shaking but it's just the temperature and then again if it were any colder i could disengage if i were any older i could act my age but i dont think that youd believe me it's not the way i'm meant to be it's just the way the operation made me and you can tell from the state of my room that they let me out too soon and the pills that i ate came a couple years too late and ive got some issues to work through there i go again pretending to be you make-believing that i have a soul beneath the surface trying to convince you it was accidentally on purpose i am not so serious this passion is a plagiarism i might join your century but only on a rare occasion i was taken out before the labor pains set in and now behold the world's worst accident i am the girl anachronism and you can tell by the red in my eyes and the bruises on my thighs and the knots in my hair and the bathtub full of flies that i'm not right now at all there i go again pretending that i'll fall don't call the doctors cause they've seen it all before they'll say just let her crash and burn she'll learn the attention just encourages her and you can tell from the full-body cast that i'm sorry that i asked though you did everything you could (like any decent person would) but i might be catching so don't touch you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff don't get me wet because the bandages will all come off and you can tell from the smoke at the stake that the current state is critical well it is the little things, for instance: in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses: please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her... i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest i was too precarious removed as a caesarian behold the worlds worst accident I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM already said 2 times| say something

ode to my boyfriend... tyler tyler tyler tyler tyler tyler tyler tyler.... [01 Jun 2005|11:11am] muahahahahaha. my hubby is hot. say something

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